Wednesday, August 12, 2015

These Times, They Are A-Changing Pt. 2

Well, it's been quite a while now, hasn't it? Where do I even start to begin? It's been what, like 3 years since my last post? And that wasn't even a commentary of any sort. Part of me doesn't even want to waste my time typing this out on here. I mean, who evens reads my blog in the first place? Anyone? I guess I'll try to start on here; at least it'll be written out and I can edit it from there. Let me start by stating I am not the person I was 3 years ago. I'm not the person I was one year ago. I have found new and better was to describe myself. More accurate ways to define and to identify myself. I've been questioning who I am and how I feel for so many years, and only now have found an answer that truly hits the mark.

I am genderqueer. Somewhere between genderfluid and trans, and I'm trying to figure it out each day.

Gender fluidity hasn't been a very open subject until these past couple of years, 2015 specifically. The genderfluid community has famous icons now, like Ruby Rose, Jaden Smith, and Miley Cyrus, to help explain and show what genderfluid looks like.


To those of us who've never had this title, this option in our vocabulary, this past year has been a godsend. I've struggled from a very young age with gender identity. I've never felt very feminine but not completely male either. For a few years here and there I've juggled around the thought that I might identify as trans. Through middle school and early high school I tried to cross dress as much as I could get away with without my mother's red flag going up, but it wasn't satisfying enough because physically I didn't appear male. By junior year I settled for dressing in band tees and skinny jeans and getting a mohawk because it felt neutral enough to appease both sides of my inner crises. However, I still was torn inside. Depression was eating me from the inside out, and multiple times I self harmed and even attempted suicide. I hated that I couldn't express how I felt without some kind of backlash from parents or peers. I floated through the rest of the year like a ghost. I was there in body, but not in spirit; my soul was hidden elsewhere, only allowed to surface when I was alone.

Senior year finally hit, along with a strong wave of apathy, and I resorted to mostly sweats and oversized hoodies to hide in. I wasn't happy with how I looked because more than half the time it didn't reflect how I felt. I was just ready to graduate and start anew somewhere else.

Unfortunately, the "starting anew" that I had so hoped for never got to happen really. On one hand, being around completely new people allowed me to somehow be more extroverted than I typically was. But on the other hand, I very quickly ended my current relationship and started a new one without any time to try and develop the self that had been shut away for so many years. To top it off, that new relationship ended up being with the man I am now married to and have a daughter with. I should be happy, right? That I found love so early? I'm not though, and that's the problem.

My husband and I have briefly talked about my gender issues. To some extent he's comfortable with it and tries to understand, but if I were to ever pursue an actual transition, he doesn't think he'd be able to stay with me. I'm not mad or upset about that, I mean, asking him to stay would be like asking him to go gay for me. It's just sad to think that I may never feel happy or comfortable with who I am if I want to preserve my marriage. We've discussed possibly staying friends, and living together, and even possibly staying married but pursuing other people, but with our daughter in the middle of it all, it makes living that kind of life difficult to explain later in her life. I don't want to be the selfish one and break up this marriage, but I'm not sure how long I can pursue a life I hate when the one I want is within arm's reach.

I ordered a binder a few days ago. I've stared buying and wearing men's clothes and deodorant. I'm starting to wear less and less makeup, only applying contour to make my face more masculine, and a smidgen of eyeliner every so often. I throw my already somewhat masculine hair up into a man bun and started using a wallet instead of a purse. I carry myself differently, and speak in a lower voice. The weird thing is, all of it feels so natural, more so than my old feminine routine. Each day I wake up with the hopeful thinking that maybe I'll pass today. I feel better when I'm a guy. I feel more confident, more alert, more energized. I feel happy.


Honestly, the more I type and the more I think about it, the less genderfluid I feel and the more trans I feel. It's taken me a couple of weeks since the start of this post to actually get my thoughts out, so what began as a post on genderfluidity turned into my coming out as trans post. I just don't know if I'm actually ready to really come out or not, like to my husband or my family and friends. I'm just afraid that if I ever do decide to start my transition that I'll miss feeling feminine some days, because those days still exist, no matter how few there are. I'm afraid I'll get months into T and decide to stop because I'm not looking how I want or not sounding how I want or because I miss having my husband to goof around with. I know transmen who still enjoy dressing femininely and I applaud them for having the confidence to do so while still remaining masculine. I just don't know if I would or not. I don't want to wear a dress or a skirt one day and get addressed with the wrong pronouns, or get into the argument that what I'm wearing is misleading and I shouldn't be upset. Maybe that's too much to ask for. I don't know...

I want to talk to someone about what I'm going through. Someone that will either understand and have some helpful input, or someone that'll just shut up and listen. My husband is neither. I'd talk to one of my closer trans friends, but at times he can come off as intimidating to talk to, and I don't know if I could actually validate myself to him or not. I mean, I'm sure I can and it's probably just anxiety making me feel that way, but still. An anonymous listener wouldn't really help either because despite them probably having valuable input, they don't actually know me and I don't think i could wrap my head and heart around a stranger's opinion about my life. So I'm kind of stuck in this identity crisis limbo.

So in closing, I guess if I actually know you irl, I could really use some kind of pep talk or at least someone to vent to. If I don't, I'd still be willing to hear what you've got to say. Whether or not it really affects me is really gonna just depend on what kind of mood I'm in. Sorry.

Well, at least it's mostly out. I'm sure I've forgotten something, but the important stuff is out in an organized fashion. That's all I could've hoped for.

~Misery Chick

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The End Of Their World (or what I've typed up thus far...)

I was left for dead. The scavengers fed upon my ridicule. I had to get out of this place before they came again. This time they would leave nothing behind. I wouldn’t have time to shed one tear before they got me.


I lifted my head. The hallway was empty except for abandoned loose-leaf paper and miscellaneous articles of trash. The bell had rung.
I slowly got to my feet, aching from the pain.
What just happened? I looked around, expecting a tumbleweed to skip across the solace hallway. I brushed my jeans off and tugged at my t-shirt a bit.
There, good as new. I strode down the hall, peering into the void rooms. Gone. Everyone, gone. They had left long ago. Cowards.
I slid my hand along the lockers, leaving strokes of dustless streams flowing across the doors. A critter scurried past me, making me jump back for a second.

 
“Run little guy. Get out of here while you still have the chance.” My voice was like a stranger’s, unfamiliar and awkward. It had been weeks, maybe even months, since I had heard it. It used to comfort me, but now I saw no point in talking out loud; my head was just fine for conversation.
Flashes of the past kept flickering in my mind. The dreams came in the day and at night. I couldn’t hide from them. They frightened me. They were all too real, making me feel like I was reliving them again. My mind was mysterious; it created such illusions to frazzle me, to frighten me, to remind me. The past was a nightmare, destined to haunt my mind until the day I die.
These halls were like a ghost town, barren and eerie. I was alone.

 
I didn’t mind being alone much anymore. That phase had already passed. Plus, I knew that there were others just like me still out there, hiding. I would find them and together we could avenge our world. We would fight like others before us. Maybe this time we would win. The invaders were strong and merciless. Well, almost merciless. They had spared me, hadn’t they? But then again, I was alone, not in an army or militia. I had no weapons, nothing but myself to defend me. That’s why they had taken out the others. Annihilated them all. Everyone, gone.
I never wanted to fight; I saw no point of it. They were much stronger and smarter than our human race, more tactful and skilled. That’s why it was so easy to obliterate us. We tend to flock together rather than go off on our own. We make ourselves an easy target. We are sheep in a universe of lions. But there are some lone wolves living among the sheep, myself being one of them. I never id do what society elected as “normal.” I guess that’s why they spared me. I was unique, one of a kind. Just like the invaders.
However, I was flawed. My constant hallucinations separated me from them. Like the runt of the litter, too small to keep up, to impaired to be cared for. No choice but to be alone. Which is why they didn’t keep me to be one of them. But if I found the others again, I’m sure that I would not be spared a second time. They would see that I needed other people to survive in this post-apocalyptic world and kill me on the spot. No second thoughts to be given at all. So I debated whether I really wanted to find them or not. On one hand, we could train and fight and possibly win our world back; on the other hand, definite and immediate death for all of us.
I turned a corner and stopped dead in my tracks. The smell hit me first. The aroma was so thick, I was suffocating. I’d only seen a dead body a couple of times before, and for the most part that was after the mortician had done his job. Now, piled up before me, lay hundreds upon hundreds of my own kind. A holocaust. What reporters had predicted, it was true. This was another holocaust. Genocide of the human race.
The sight in front of me reminded me of pictures I had seen from the Holocaust.  Nazis would pile Jews up, building massive walls with their limp and rotting corpses.  It terrified me and gave me goose bumps.  I used to think, “How can humanity be that cruel?  What could possess someone to exterminate an entire race?”  Now I realized that these conflicts go beyond Hitler’s Germany, and Darfur.
         However, this went way beyond Hitler’s cruelty. This frightened me more than the invasion. More than anything I’ve ever seen or heard before.  Terrified faces of friends stared back at me blankly. Emerald. Aiden. Kaine. Zara. Probably more.
         My eyes swelled with tears. Disbelief and fear were all that I could muster up. I stood there, paralyzed. One thought was on my mind.
         I have to get out of here. NOW!
         I quickly backed out the way I came. I couldn’t stand seeing the mangled bodies of my peers any longer. I sprinted down the halls, turning corners cautiously. Although I knew this place like the back of my hand, it all seemed alien to me now as I searched for an exit, any way out possible. I cleared a small set of stairs and tried to do the same with the next set. I tripped on the third to last stair and tumbled down the rest and into a wall.
         “Aaaggghhh!!!” I screamed out in pain. I laid there for a minute or two, trying to get the feeling back into my legs. I eased myself up, feeling a sharp pain in my right leg. Testing my weight on it, I decided it was ok enough to continue on. 
         I took it easy on the next set of stairs, going down each one instead of jumping them all at once.  I finally reached the ground floor.  I made myself a little more aware of my surroundings, cautious about any sound that reached my ears.  This was more dangerous territory than upstairs.  They could be lurking around every corner down here, searching for a good kill.  They never went too far into a building.  I assume it was for some sort of safety issue—or something like that.
         I took quick and quiet steps, darting my eyes in every direction to make sure I wasn’t being stalked.  I probably looked ridiculous with my over dramatic, insect-like movements.
         Just as I passed by the cafeteria, I heard something.
         “Errggll…” It sounded close. Like a gurgling noise.  Then I realized where it was coming from.  I looked down at my stomach just as it sounded again. 
         “EEERRRGGGLLL…” I couldn’t remember the last time I had something in my belly.  I was starved.
         I remember when food was a lot easier to come by. When we were a group, the men would go out and hunt while the rest of us sat around and waited inside. We had reverted to something we hadn’t been as a human race in a long time. Something barbaric. After they left surviving was a bit harder, but every so often food would just appear. Someone was still looking after me, or was at least. I hadn’t received any food for a few weeks, so I had to take up scavenging.
         I turned my head to the cafeteria, back to my stomach, then to the cafeteria again.
         There’s gotta be something still in there, I told myself.  I peeked through the tiny window on the door to see if any of them were lurking in there.  The coast was clear.  I tugged on the heavy oak door.  It wouldn’t budge.  I tried the other one.  Still nothing.  I didn’t want to make too much noise, so kicking it down was out of the question.  Trying one last tug at the doors, I finally threw my hands up in defeat—food wasn’t worth getting caught for.
         I continued down the hall, still presenting my jerky, cautionary movements.  Just as I was about to give up finding a way out of this hell hole, I came across a set of doors that had sunlight streaking through they windows.  A desperate smile spread across my face as I slammed through one of the doors.
         Sunlight blanketed every inch of my body.  My dirt splattered face soaked up the great warmth.  I had forgotten how amazing the outside world was.  However, there wasn’t the same feeling of bliss that I once had when dancing in the sun.  All around me showed evidence of a dying world.  Grass was brown and brittle with age.  Trees, leafless and dead, stood like twigs in wet sand.  The air had a bite to it, unusual for the middle of July.
         The invasion did not do this.  We were ending our existence before the invasion even came.  The irony struck me as morbidly humorous.
         I made my way to the curb to rest for a bit.  I eased myself down, stretching my right let out in front of me.  I pulled up my pant leg to see what damaged had been done.  A large gash had been the culprit of the dark stain on my jeans.  The gore brought back the terrible visions.
         I couldn’t believe they had been caught.  Aiden was always the smart one.  I just knew he would get them out of here safely.  I guess he proved me wrong—like he always did.
         One wet tear ran down my cheek.  My friends were gone.  I was alone.  It’s funny how a person can go on through life, living as if everything was fine even if they knew it wasn’t, and then something happens, the truth is shed upon them abruptly, and then they finally break down.  They finally see how cruel and morbid and disturbing their world is.  I was having one of these moments.
         I buried my face in the palms of my hands and broke down.  A wave of depression and guilt and sorrow crashed over me.  Depression, because I knew their fate would soon be mine; guilt, because I should’ve been dead instead of them; sorrow, for both theirs and my loss.  I never thought I could feel this much pain.  Everyone around me was being murdered.  My life was a massacre.
         After about ten minutes or so, I slowly lifted my head.  First, my hands started to shake, then up through my arms, down to my legs, and then my whole body.  It was happening again.  My head tilted back, my eyes rolled back into my skull; my breathing became quick, short gasps for air.  I gritted my teeth and let the fit take its course.  After all, I could do a thing about it, so no point or reason to hold it back.  I fell backward onto the concrete, my whole body spazing out. And then—blackout.  Goodnight—that’s all folks.

         
         My vision was fuzzy.  This room was oddly familiar, but I couldn’t place where I’d seen it before.  I stood there, in the middle of the room, nothing but chairs and me.  The chairs lined the walls.  There was no door and no windows.  I looked up and saw the night sky, hazy and only a few stars.  Then…they arrived.
         One after another, they leaped from the outside into my little room.  My eyes were wide with fear.  I tried to run to the other side of the room, but one of them grabbed me by m y hair.  I jerked back and shrieked.  He pulled me close to him, so close I could smell his sweet odor.  I tried to keep from showing fear, which was how they chose first kill.  My breathing steadied and I held my fists tight at my sides.  He whispered something incomprehensible into my ear, sending shivers down my spine.  He barked an order at the three others, and then they left.  It was just he and I.  He threw me to the floor and took a menacing step towards me.  His eyes were red with fiery anger.  I crawled backwards to one of the chairs by a nearby wall.  I climbed into the sear and watched him casually make his way closer to me.
         “I’m not afraid of you.”  I told him—keeping my voice monotone.  I had to keep from showing how terrified I truly was.  He stopped in front of the chair, towering over me.  He clasped one hand on my face, four fingers on one side and his thumb on the other.  He pulled up, making me stand up at his pace.  He was only about a head taller than me, which wasn’t new to me at all; I had always been pretty small.  He looked me in the eye so intensely, as if searching for something beyond my eyes.  Then he spoke in a tongue I could understand.
         “You are not one of them.”  His voice sounded like an angel’s, soothing yet not from modern times. “You are…unique.  Different from them- in mysterious ways. You have a name?”
         “Ye…yes.”  I quickly nodded. “It’s Armedia. My name is Armedia.” No one ever called me by my full name though.  My friends just called me Dia—for short.
         “Armedia? Well, Armedia, it will be a shame to have to kill you.”  He was sincere.  “Such a beautiful name.”  He cocked his head a bit to the side and smirked, the anger never leaving his eyes. Then, he jumped at me.

         
         I woke up screaming.  I had broken a sweat and my heart was racing.  Instinctually I felt my face, as if searching for damage.  I was fine.  I steadied my pulse and examined my surroundings.  I must’ve been out for hours; the sky was already a deep plum shade.
         I rose up, taking a deep breath.  A quick shiver ran through my body.  It had gotten colder since I got out here.  I looked around; trying to determine which way would be the best path to take. 
         I couldn’t stay inside the school anymore, not with death lingering inside its halls.  But I did need to stay close by.  I was using some of the lockers to keep supplies in.  If I wanted to survive, I had to find some place nearby so I could come and go as needed.  To the left of me was a wooded area.  They would expect to find humans hiding there. I shook my head at the option and turned to my right. More trees, but not dense like the woods on the other side. These trees were only thick enough to separate the school grounds from the neighborhood next door.  I decided to take this route.  The houses were empty and maybe even stocked up.  If anything, I’d at least have a bed to sleep in.  Maybe even working lights and running water.
         I quickly made my way across the empty parking lot, through the brush, and into a backyard.  I still hadn’t gotten used to seeing neighborhoods not lit up.  Back before the invasion people would leave lights on almost all night long, or sometimes the blue from a TV screen would illuminate entire rooms.  Even after the light sin houses were put out, the streets would always be bright with street lamps and walkway lights.  Now, the only light I used to guide my way was from the night sky.  It was a full moon tonight, which was great for me, given my situation.  However, it was also my enemy.  I would be much easier spotted than on a night with less illumination.  So I had to be quick and unseen choosing my new hideout. 
         I sprinted up a slight hill and to a sliding glass door.  I cupped my hands to the glass a peeked inside.  It looked clear from what I could see, so I eased the door open slowly.  An odd odor crashed over me.  Death.  I swiftly closed the door, holding my breath.  This house was a no.
         I ran to the next house over, staying in the shadows and low to the ground like a predator.  This one had no direct door to the basement; I would have to use the backdoor. I was wary about stepping foot onto the back porch, fearing that the old wood would either give way under my foot or cause too much noise.  I decided to make my way to the next house.
         This one had a door to the basement with a small window in the top half.  I couldn’t see much through the window, but I took my chances with this house anyway.
         The door opened easily, without any creaks to give me away.  I stepped inside, aware of any sudden sounds or movements.  I stood there for a movement, allowing my eyes to adjust to the bitter darkness.  Soon enough, I could see the room with no troubles.
         It was a modest room, not overdone in the least—fully finished and furnished; this made an excellent upgrade from my shabby classrooms and teacher’s lounge.  There were three doors visible from where I stood, all to my left.  I made my way over to one of them.  I put my ear up to it to make sure nothing or no one was on the other side of it.  After hearing nothing I cracked the door open.  I saw a towel hanging on a glass door and some bottles sitting on a shelf.  I opened the door the rest of the way to reveal a small bathroom.
         I took a mental note of this room and closed the door.  The next room appeared to be some kind of office space.  A desktop was positioned over in the corner, its monitor black with death.  I told myself that I'd come back later to see if it worked.
         I closed this door simultaneously as I opened the next.  An enormous bed practically filled the room.  My eyes lit up with joy as I ran and jumped onto the bed.  It had been ages since I had slept in a real bed.
         I pressed my face into a pillow and inhaled a fresh linen aroma.  It had been eve longer since I’d smelled clean sheets. I layed there for a while, pretending that I was back at home and everything was O.K.  Soon, my mom would come in and wake me up for school.  I wouldn’t want to get up and I’d bury myself under my covers.  It was like my burrow, my den.  I was constantly hibernating.
         Just as I thought I was about to fall asleep, something hit me.  Why were there fresh sheets on a bed no one would sleep in?  Even if they were clean before the residents left, the smell would be this strong.  I quickly got off the bed and ran out of the room.
         I debated whether or not I should check the rest of the place out.  If I did, I could very possibly run into someone I’d rather not run into.  If I didn’t, they would run into me.  Neither of which sounded very pleasing, but I’d rather be ready for them than be found by them.
         I looked for something that could be turned into a weapon.  There was a small lamp resting on an end table.  I traced its cord back to the wall and unplugged it.  Wrapping the cord around the base of the lamp, I made my way across the room.  I found a large pool table taking up the other half of the room with a bar area to the left of it. Beyond the bar resided another door and a set of stairs leading up to the first floor.  I opened the door slowly, revealing a storage closet.  I made a note to search there later for anything I could use.  I turned toward the stairs and looked up.
         It was a narrow stairway that took a sharp left turn.  I started up them, gripping my lamp-turned-bat tight in my hands.  The door to the first floor was shut.  Whoever was once living or currently living here sure didn’t want anyone to go into these rooms.
         I twisted the knob and eased the door open.  This whole house seemed to be a maze.  To my right were two hallways, one leading to a living room and the other to somewhere behind me.  On my left was the front door and another staircase leading to a balcony on the second floor.  A large chandelier hung overhead; the moonlight danced across the diamonds and onto the walls like a disco ball.
         The floor creaked up here, so I had to be light on my feet.  I tiptoed down the hallway that snaked behind me and ended up in the kitchen.  There were three large glass windows that looked over the backyard.  If anyone else was here, they probably already knew I had snuck in.  There weren’t any shades or blinds on the windows so I had to be cautious and avoid being near them.  There were more entryways in here.  One connected to a dining room with more large windows.  One was closed.  I assumed it led to a garage of some sort.  I cautiously walked over to the third.  It led to the living room I had seen earlier.  This house was one big circle!
         I turned around quickly, fearing that I was being talked.  I went through the dining room and appeared in the foyer with the stairs and the front door and the chandelier.  Then I saw it! A quick flash of light, as if someone was quickly putting out a candle or turning off a flashlight.  I was not alone.  I was being stalked.  But I was ready.
         I tiptoed across the foyer into a smaller living room.  The flash had come from the large one I had seen earlier.  I inched through a door way and into the large living room.  There were two couches, a big screen TV, and 3 more large windows staring back at me.  I saw his reflection in the TV.
         He was crouched down behind on of the couches; waiting for me to inch closer.  He turned his head toward the TV, watching me stand there, paralyzed.  He had seen me coming, even from outside.  But why was he living in here?  They had camps set up in several areas, where they all slept and ate and lived.  They only come out here to kill and that did not involve stakeouts.
         Maybe he wasn’t one of them?  Maybe he was human, hiding out here like I wanted to.  There was terror in his eyes; I could see it even in the dark.  He had to be human, I just knew it.  But I had to make sure.
         “Uh, um, if anyone’s in here, I, uh, I’m one of you. I’m normal. I’m human.”  I waited there patiently for him to respond.  Instead, I heard a click.  His flashlight illuminated the room, casting eerie shadows across the walls.  He stood up slowly, and I noticed something else in his hand.  A gun.
         I raised my hands up signaling I was not up for a fight.  The lamp said otherwise.  I looked at the lamp and chuckled lightly.
         “I thought you could use a little more light up here.” I joked.  I set the lamp on the floor beside me and looked him in the eye.  He was familiar, but I couldn’t place where I’d seen him before. He stared back at me, showing no sign of fear but still signs of caution. He wasn’t convinced with my lamp story or with my “I come in peace” crap.  I took a step forward.  He stood in place, watching me intently. “So, uh, nice place you’ve, uh, got here. Very… homey.” I took another nervous step towards him.
“This isn’t my place.” Although he spoke in monotone, I could tell his voice had some sort of accent to it. It was beautiful, almost like…
I couldn’t breathe. My knees shook violently and I fell to the ground. As the room around me faded, I could still hear his voice. Panicked and frantic it came now.
“Miss! Miss! Hello?! Are you ok?!” Soon, he too faded away.


A siren sounded in the distance. He had me pinned to the cold tile floor, his claws just centimeters from tearing my face off. He turned his head, listening to the low rumble of the blaring siren. Then he turned back to me.
Still, even in death’s grip, I was fearless. Or, at least I appeared fearless. I would die appearing fearless if I had to. He lifted me to his face. Again, his sweet, seductive odor hypnotized me, dancing around me, caressing my skin. I wondered if anyone else had gotten this close to them without being massacred.
“There is something about you. Something… I cannot explain it, but it is there.” His words were like music to my ears. He scanned my face over with his eyes again, searching for his missing answer.
Just as I thought I could stay forever in his presence, the three he had sent off before appeared behind him; back from their mission, I suppose.
“Play dead,” he quickly whispered to me, dropping me to the floor. I layed there, as still as possible, and held my breath. He turned around and spoke in their tongue.
I assumed he was a higher rank than the others, or maybe they were his posse. The way he spoke to them seemed authoritative and demanding. They listened quietly and attentively, never speaking out of turn. He pointed in a direction and they all nodded. They took off in the given direction, and a few moments after they left, he turned back to me.
Kneeling down, he put one hand on my shoulder slightly.
“You must not stay here. I will take you to where it is safe. Do you understand?”
I nodded quickly, dumbfounded by why he wasn’t killing me.
“Why…” He put a finger to my lips and shook his head. Lifting me over his shoulder with incredible ease, he leaped up into the night sky and over the wall.
These door-less and windowless  rooms were built to protect people. We didn’t realize that the invaders were so skilled that they could merely jump these walls like one could with a two-foot fence. Instead of being there for protection, they made perfect holding pins for us sheep.
He ran with me through a wooded area. Trees and some nighttime creatures whisked by as we made our way to my destination. He finally exited the woods and set me on my feet.
“Here. You will stay here.” He jutted his chin toward my old school building. Eastpoint High School, home of the buffalo. Four years of my life wasted away in these halls. I knew my way around this place like it was my own home, but I definitely didn’t love it like it was.
He ushered me forward, hinting to me that it was time we parted ways. But I had to know before he left. Why had he spared me?
I turned to him and looked him in the eye. His were no longer the fiery red from before but rather a soft, pale blue. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve assumed he was human. I never knew they were able to camouflage themselves like that. That must make it easy to hunt any unsuspecting humans, like myself.
I quickly shook the thought away, took a deep breath, and prepared to ask him.
The siren was still blaring in the background, so I guess that’s why I didn’t hear them coming.
His eyes grew wide with fear as I pulled away from behind. The one holding me hissed in my ear as the other grabbed my arms and legs. I thrashed wildly about, trying to throw them off of me, but to no prevail. They were much stronger than I.
They tore and bit at me, laughing and shrieking from amusement. I cried out in pain as a claw swiped my cheek. I felt blood trickle down every inch of my body.
This was the end.



 
I shot up quickly, gasping for air. The room was softly lit with candles and the smell of freshly brewed tea was in the air. I looked around, expecting to see them crowded around me. I relaxed as I realized it was just another dream.

I threw my feet over the bed and felt a slight draft. I looked at my legs and saw bare skin. My pants were gone! I shot glances around the room, scanning for the jeans, but still they were M.I.A.
I grabbed a blanket from the end of the bed and wrapped it around my waist like a skirt. As I tried to recall what happened, I remembered the guy I ran into. A disturbing thought slithered across my mind as I exited the room.
I was back in the basement again, but this time I was able to get a better view. Candles were lit on end tables and across the bar counter, illuminating the room and revealing the shabby nature of the furniture.
From the bathroom, I heard water running and splashing. I slowly crept the door open, unveiling where the sound had come from. My host was standing at the sink, jeans in hand, holding them under steamy water.
He quickly looked up as he noticed that I had entered the room. He glanced down at the blanket around my waist curiously, and then returned his gaze to me.
I gave him a suspicious look, eyeing my pants not so subtly. My stare soon registered in his mind and realization spread across his face.
“I was cleaning them. They had blood on the leg. I didn’t think you’d want to be walking around smelling like prey, that’s all.” He spoke slowly, as if talking to a child. He didn’t look much older than me, maybe in his early or mid-twenties. His eyes were a vibrant jade, complimenting the reddish-brown hair that fell over his face. He had hair under his chin of a darker shade.
“I fell.” I told him, explaining the blood.
“I figured as much.” He shyly looked at me, then went back to the pants.
“So… what’s your name?” I wanted to keep a conversation going; his voice was so heavenly.
“Max. Just Max. And yours?” He glanced up at me as he spoke.
“Armedia. But you can just call me Dia. It’s easier to pronounce.” I chuckled a little at that. “So, what kind of name is that? Max? Maaax.” I twirled the name around in my mouth for a moment. “It’s so… different.” He gave me an odd look, like I had said something offbeat.
“It’s a normal name. A human name.”
“What do you mean by that?” I shot him a puzzled look. I was human. Did he suspect differently? If he did, why was he helping me?
“You don’t trust me, do you?” I confronted him. He only glanced up, shook his head, and went back to washing my jeans. I was getting frustrated with this Max guy. I didn’t know if he was shaking his at the question or at me.
As I turned away, heading back to the bedroom, he answered my question.
“I don’t trust any woman lurking around outside at this hour.” I could hear the humor in his voice. I shook my head and smiled softly to myself, and continued to the room.
I located where the tea smell was coming from. On the dresser sat a small tea set; steam rose from the decorative, ceramic kettle. I poured myself a cup and sipped it slightly. It was soothing, to say the least, especially because it had been quite awhile since I last had something hot. I had been living off of snacks from the vending machines for the past few weeks, eating only when I really needed it. Occasionally I would come across old apples in teachers’ desks,  but they were too horrible to even fathom eating. Hot tea was something I never dreamed of tasting again. It comforted me as I went to sit on the soft bed.
About an hour passed by and I remained in the room. Max would occasionally poke his head in, checking on me and seeing if I needed anything. I shook my and smiled each time, thanking him for the offer. I’m not sure what time it was, but I soon drifted off to sleep.
It’s strange about my dreams. When I fall asleep I never dream. At least, I don’t recall any dreams I may have had. But when the fits occur, I dream so vividly. Maybe it’s my mind’s way of making up for the lost dreams in my sleep.
Whatever the reason, I’m glad I don’t dream like I do when I’m unconscious. I would never want to sleep knowing I’d return to the hallucinations.
It didn’t seem like too much later when I awoke to Max shaking me fiercely.
“I’m up, I’m up! What’s wrong?” Although alarmed, I was still a bit sleepy.
“You’re a really deep sleeper, do you know that?” He seemed to have lost the tension he was harboring before, shown by his now playful nature.
“Yes, I realize this. But why’d you wake me up? I was tired.” I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand.
He smiled and raised an eyebrow.
“One would assume that after having a very long day, as I assume you’ve had, that a young lady would desire nothing more than a nice, hot shower.” He had a hint of sarcasm in his tone. But a shower did sound nice.
I looked down at my dirt-splattered hands, noticing bits of dust and clay wedged under my fingernails. I was used to rinsing off in the school bathrooms with only the sinks and the hand dryers. A shower sounded like something fit for royalty right now.
I bit my bottom lip and nodded shyly as he helped me out of bed. I could only imagine what I reeked of as he led me to the bathroom and showed me how to work the knobs. I thanked him and shut the door behind him. I thought about locking the door, but decided against it. He seemed to be mature and well-mannered enough. I turned the shower on like he showed me and quickly undressed.
The water was like ecstasy as it reached my bare skin. I ducked my head under the spray and ran my fingers though the wet and tangled lump that was my hair. Water streamed down my back, caressing every curve of my body. I stood there for a few minutes, just enjoying the steamy water explore my body. A shower had never felt so good in my life.
After I got used to the mesmerizing touch of the liquid bliss, started to bathe. The water became muddled with dirt as I scrubbed away the day’s reminiscence. Just as I was rinsing the shampoo from my hair, Max knocked on the door.
“Hey, I’m going out for a bit! I’ll be right back! Don’t leave the basement!” he shouted through the thick door.
“O.K.!” I yelled back. I finished rinsing and turned the shower off. I stepped out, feeling a draft as I grabbed for my towel. I wrapped it around me, making sure I was decent, and opened the door, stepping out into the main room. Max was on the couch tying up his boot.
“So where are you going?” I asked, walking towards him. He looked up after pulling his shoe strings tight and seemed a little shocked. I guess he wasn’t used to wet, almost naked, strange women walking about. I smirked a little and sat on the arm of the same couch.
“Uh, um, … out. I’m headed out.” His voice was shaky. I could tell he was a little nervous, so I decided to play with him a little bit.
“Well, why are you going out? It’s dangerous out there you know. I wouldn’t want you getting hurt.” I batted my eyes, faking concern.
“Um, I, uh… to hunt. For food, why aren’t you wearing any clothes?” He shook his head and finished up with his boot. I laughed a bit at both him and his question.
“What? You want me to put dirty clothes back on?” I gave him a sly look.
“Well, uh, no. But I do want you to put some clothes on.” He shielded his eyes with his hand.
“Well, what do you expect me to do? Pull some clean ones out of my –”
“We’ll find you some clothes. Here, come with me.” He got up and walked over to the stairs. I followed, staying close behind. He led me up the second flight of stairs and into another bedroom. The room was a mess, I’m surprised if anyone actually lived in here.
He opened the closet and turned towards me.
“I hope it fits.” He seemed tense again. He pushed past me and back downstairs, knocking over a small picture frame a nightstand and muttering something as he left. I ignored his rude gesture and went for the closet. I found a simple pair of jeans only a size too big, a belt, and a long sleeve shirt. I also grabbed a long t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants to sleep in. Might as well take advantage of it all while I’ve got it.
I immediately changed into the sweats and t-shirt. As I was leaving, I thought I’d take a look at the picture on the nightstand. I went over to it curiously and picked it up. In it was a young girl, probably about my age, and a golden retriever. The girl wasn’t bad looking. She had wavy, brown, shoulder-length hair that blew over her face. She had a beautiful white smile and glistening green eyes. She swept her hair away with ivory toned hands. She looked athletic with her well-developed arms and legs. Her high cheekbones hinted at some Cherokee in her blood. She obviously went to school with me because she dawned an Eastpoint t-shirt like the many I owned. I wondered if she was there with Emerald, Aiden, and the rest?
I set the picture neatly back on the nightstand and headed back to the basement. From what I could tell, it was still rather dark outside. I was thankful Max still had the cover of the night to protect him.
I reached the basement and returned to my little room. I found it kind of funny that I thought of it as my room even though I had only been here for a few hours. I threw my clothes for tomorrow onto the dresser, blew out the candles that remained lit, and crawled into my new, nice, warm bed. I was exhausted, and soon found myself in a deep slumber.
Morning came all too soon. I awoke to a delicious smell, like bacon or honey ham, wafting through the air. I got out of bed and followed the smell upstairs to the kitchen. There I saw Max cooking away at the stove. He turned around and smiled as I entered the room.
“Morning. I hope you’re not a veghead.” A huge grin spread across his face as he turned back to the stove.
“No, that smells incredible. What is it? Bacon?” I lifted my nose to the air to inhale as much of the aroma as possible.
“You don’t want to know. Trust me. I kind of hate myself for killing the poor thing.” He shook his head in despair. I took his word for it and sat down at the small table by the windows. His head shot up at me.
“Don’t sit there! They’ll see you.” He hissed, eyes wild. I shot up and swiftly walked over to the other side of the room. He gave me a stern look as I pulled a chair from the dining room into the kitchen. I gave him an apologetic look as I sat back down. He kept his stare a moment more, and then continued cooking.
We sat in silence in the basement as we ate the mysterious but delicious meal. I could hear each bite he took. They were tedious and small, like he was ashamed of eating in front of me. I, however, ate as if I hadn’t seen food in years. It tasted just as good as it smelled, but I didn’t dare think about what it was; I was afraid I’d soon see breakfast again if it was anything too disturbing.
We finished eating, and he offered to take my plate back upstairs. I handed it to him and picked myself up off the floor. I figured I should probably go ahead and get dressed for the day.
I made my way to the bedroom and closed the door behind me. Grabbing the clothes that I had set out off the dresser, I stripped down and stepped in front of the mirror that hung off the back of the door.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

My Possible Wonderling?

So, I don't know if you guys pay attention to anything NASA does anymore, but on the off chance that you haven't heard, the Kepler program discovered a new planet with Earth-like qualities.

Here's the official NASA posting right here.
Or if the font is too small or it wasn't pretty enough or it was just "tldr", here's a more fitting one for your reading level.

Eerily similar to both Earth, and my upcoming novel Wonderling. And when I say upcoming, I mean really upcoming, as in haven't even finished it yet. But it's on it's way, and this new discovery will definitely help with the logistics.




All for now.

~Misery Chick

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Well Hell! I Got A Versatile Blogger Award!

So apparently there are awards that get passed along on here and I just happened to snag myself one.
Thank You Shervell Jones for my Versatile Blogger Award. You're right, it is nice to know that someone is reading. It makes me feel kind of tingly inside.

Now there are some rules when it comes to this award:

1. Thank the person who awarded you and link back to them in your post.
2. Tell 7 Random facts about yourself.
3. Pass the award on to 15 new found bloggers.
4. Contact each blogger you want to pass the award on to and let them know you've done so, and let the giver of your award know you accept it.

1) I get writer's block way too easily.
2) I'm currently working on a book entitled Wonderling.
3) I'm also currently topless while writing this. Don't ask, the shirt was bothering me.
4) I have two tattoos and six piercings, although I need to reopen two of them.
5) I'm currently living with my boyfriend and two cats, neither of which are actually ours.
5) I am not cool with this Internet censorship thing that Congress is trying to pass. Spread the word: Fuck You, Congress!
6) I am so very hungry at this moment.
7) I hate having to list random facts about myself.

I don't think I know that many bloggers, but I'll send the ones that I do know the award just for the hell of it.

Berthkgar
brenna is the best
bbq_stain
That CrispKid
JJD

Deuses!
~Misery Chick

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Introducing... WAR CAT!

So, my friend and I are attempting at this whole "meme" business. Seems kind of silly, yeah, but it'll be fun, if it takes off that is. So, without further ado, I bring you... War Cat!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Who Is This Standing In My Place?

Where has my sense of poetic cynicism gone?

I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk. This lack of creative thought impares my ability to function as a writer. I haven't written in much too long.

Damn this writer's block...

~Misery Chick

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Relationship Status: Pending

The walls are melting in
I’m caving, I’m caving
Can’t seem to find a friend
My heart’s still beating

Where have you gone?
I’d thought you’d stay forever
Where have you gone?
I’m sullen without you

Oh baby, please don’t go
I need you here
You can do anything you want to
We can do anything we want to
Oh, please don’t go
And if it’s me you fear
You don’t have to worry ‘cause
I’m not going anywhere

You’re having nightmares again
You’re caving, you’re caving
Yet it’s her you confide in
Why not me?

I see you two together
And my heart fills with pain
I know she’s just a friend
But to me it’s all the same

Oh baby, please don’t go
I need you here
You can do anything you want to
We can do anything we want to
Oh, please don’t go
And if it’s me you fear
You don’t have to worry ‘cause
I’m not going anywhere

Oh, and just three little words
Three little words
Can mean so many things.
And three little words
Three little words
Can change everything
Oh, three little words
Three little words
They mean so much to me.
Just three little words
Three little words
Can't you see?

The walls are melting in...
The walls are melting in...

Oh, the truth I'll apprehend, because
You're caving, we're caving
And it's me you find hope in.
It makes me smile.

I'll be with you forever
Until you say "go away."
Until then with you is
Where I'll stay

So baby, please don’t go
I need you here
We can do anything we want to
We can do anything we want to
Oh, please don’t go
And if it’s me you fear
You don’t have to worry ‘cause
I’m not going anywhere
Not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere
No..

~Misery Chick

Sunday, January 2, 2011

I'm Not Really One To Resolve, But...

So I figure it's a brand new year and all, and hell, I might only get to do this one more time if the Mayan's have their way (lol), so...

MISERY CHICK'S 2011 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!!!!!!
*obscured cheering, chanting, and clapping arise from the distance somewhere*

So every year gets progressively worse, and I find life very aggravating to put up with, but yet I keep moping forward hoping to reach a somewhat happier state of being. So far, the results are, well, not happier, but I'm hopeful.

I've come to a realization that everyone, no matter who, EVEN yourself, will fuck with you. Now, whether it's intentional or not, that's up for debate. Bottom line is that it happens, and it really pisses you off. Gets you all depressed and whatnot. So, for my first resolution, I say fuck it! Life's too fucking short to put up with all the bullshit. So to hell with it all. Live life, don't worry about the stupid shit people, or you, do. Seize the fucking day or die regretting the time you lost sulking about this and that.

So, next, I suppose I'll go with something a little more traditional. I'm going to try and go to the gym. Not everyday, that's just kinda ridiculous, but at least once a week. Maybe go with friends or something. I'm becoming too much of a couch potato and I could go for some toning a little bit. I mean, hell, you're only young once, which means the young little body that I am blessed with is going to turn into lard if I keep up with this stagnant lifestyle. Let's take a moment and picture that lovely image. Mmm, yummy.

Three's a nice number, so this'll be my last resolution, which now that I think about it has been my pathetic excuse for a resolution for years, but I've never actually achieved it. I resolve to quite being so damn naggy and possessive. I don't know what it is, but this demon woman just tears out of me in moments of weakness (if you need a visual, it closely resembles the events in Alien). She feasts on the happiness of others, draining them, leaving only an annoyed yet apathetic shell of a human being. So yeah, I need to stop doing that.


Yup, that's me all right.


Happy New Year!

~Misery Chick

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I Laugh So Hard I Forget To Cry

With everything I’ve been through
With every broken heart, promise, smile
With every lost love, friend, memory
I try to push it back
Hide it all behind my laughter

When he broke our family
And you stayed with him
I hate you mom, I hate you dad
But yet we stand smiling in our family portrait
Hide it all behind our laughter

When he crushed my heart
Lied to me, promised he’d stay with me
But ran away only a few days later to be with you
“Yeah, Shelbs, we’ll still be friends” (traitor)
Hide it all behind our laughter

When you left us
Crashed your jeep into that tree
We always told you to wear your seatbelt
Now we can only remember the good times
Hide it all behind our laughter

No one ever asks me, though
No one notices me as cry into my pillow
No one tells me that everything is gonna be alright
No one has to, because I
Hide it all behind my laughter

~ Misery Chick

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Idiocracy? I Think So.

So, I've noticed a drastic decline in the amount of open lanes in superstores, i.e. Wal-Mart and Target. Why is it that when they design and build the store they install 20+ check-out lanes, but when it actually comes time to check-out, even in their busiest hours, there are maybe 5 lanes open, including the 20 items or less lane. Although the self check-out lanes are there, they're always packed, forcing the rest of the customers to go through the 5 or less open lanes.

Just last Saturday I was at a Wal-Mart picking up a card and a bottled water and I had to stand in line for almost 30 minutes because they had 3 lanes open. 3! All 3 of them curling out into the main aisle causing traffic backup. And God forbid they get off their lazy asses and open (gasp!) another lane or 2. I mean seriously, how ignorant do you have to be to see people complaining in line about the wait and still not do a damn thing about it?

Oh, and that's just on a regular day. On Black Friday, maybe one of the darkest days for retail stores, they had (you guessed it) a whole 5 lanes open. The lines literally wrapped around the entire store! Why would you not open as many lanes as possible on such a horrible day? I don't get it, they have all of those lanes and they don't even use half of them. What a waste. But what can I say? Welcome to America, where stupidity is widely accepted and promoted. I can't wait to get the hell out of this God forsaken country.

~ Misery Chick

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

One Among Billions

What if I were to ask you to think about what makes you, well, you? What separates you from the rest of society? What form of expression makes you an individual? I’ve always believed that expression is the essence of life. It creates and molds who we are, inside and out. It grips one tiny detail about a person and blooms throughout his or her life. Uniqueness makes a person. They can float through life – living as others live, seeing what others see, believing in what others believe in – or they can escape the silent killer formally known as conformity, spread their wings, and fly away. English author Margaret Drabble once said, “Our desire to conform is greater than our respect for objective facts.” Although our human nature may be to conform, both the past and present prove that conformity is a dangerous path and that being an individual is key to having a balanced life and a balanced world.

Whatever society claims as “normal” is what people tend to flock to. They want to be accepted and loved, even if getting to that point means losing their morals and/or common sense. People are sheep, and if one person or one group of people isn’t following the herd, they are looked down upon and the rest of the flock doesn’t want anything to do with them for fear that they too will be looked down upon. Sometimes the shunning turns to brute force, and the rebel herd is exterminated. Nazi Germany is a great example of this “conformity gone wrong.” All it took was one, charismatic man and a nation of fearful souls for the horror of the Holocaust to take place. Germans were forced to believe that Jews and other minorities of the time were vermin that they needed to rid Germany of. If someone or a group of people would’ve spoken out against the conformity and against the genocide, the Holocaust may have not been so severe or even had happened at all.

Let’s fast forward to the 1950s and 60s. The Cold War is in its start and families are fearful. They’re convinced that suburbs are a nicer place to raise children, and since their neighbors are moving there, they should too. These suburbs were quaint and almost identical in every single way. Neighbors had the same TV, the same washing machine, and the same clothes. Husbands went to the same type of job. Mothers stayed home and did the same type of housework. Kids went to the same school, played the same games or sports, etc. There was no room for individuality. People even believed in the same ideals or concepts. During this time, if you had a Russian friend or neighbor, they suddenly were dropped for fear that other friends or neighbors would look at you differently or think badly about you. You were “helping the enemy” if you didn’t comply with conformity. Cult-like, isn’t it? Other groups soon formed along the way, each one having its own brainwashing method. The KKK, just like the Nazis, was convinced that it was “cleansing” the nation of vermin. The Manson Family and what they did could’ve been avoided if they came to terms with morals and realized that they shouldn’t follow what one, crazed lunatic had to say. And Jonestown, well, they all could’ve been alive today if they didn’t drink the punch. Just because one person does it, doesn’t mean everyone else has to, and vice versa.

In today’s society, conformity has gone from mass genocide and suicide to making yourself look ridiculous and causing self-destruction. Think about all the trends that have come and gone, and sadly kept coming back: Ugg boots, Boston clogs, Crocs, and lately, “Pants On the Ground.” Why spend $200+ on a pair of boots that have no true function? They’re ruined if they get wet, so that takes away the option of wearing them as snow boots or rain boots. It’s much too hot in the spring and summer to wear them (depending where you live). But they were oddly enough designed to wear to Australian beaches. It doesn’t make an ounce of sense to me. All these boots are is just a death wish for your wallet. Clogs, Crocs, and sagging pants, however, attack from another angle: your stability. I’m quite certain you’ve seen, at least once, a teen losing their clog in mid-step or some wannabe tripping over his jeans. They end up tripping over themselves and sometimes even falling flat on their face. Along with looking like a fool, they get hurt. Crocs hold the worst danger of these trends: amputation. Accidents upon accidents have been reported involving escalators, Crocs and their imitations, and small children. Just because they’re comfortable does not mean they’re safe to wear outside your home. You wouldn’t wear slippers outside your house, would you? Crocs were not made to last in today’s environment.

Who’s to blame for these horrific trends? Hollywood, that’s who. I mean, who else would bring you great fashion tips like Stacy London and Clinton Kelly do on What Not To Wear. Why does America need to tell people what’s “in” and what’s “out?” Who’s to say that celebrities are even creditable critics? A lot of the ones that receive the most attention aren’t even responsible enough to be idolized. It’s sickening to see young teens prancing around emulating Paris Hilton and Chris Brown. These are the people that brought us One Night In Paris and Rhianna-beating. It’s really sad to know that American society has degraded to worshiping and emulating these wanton celebrities.

Fashion and teen idols, however, aren’t the worser of conformity in this day and age. One doesn’t have go too far to find the epitome of rogue conventionalism. Drugs, alcohol, and the pounds of peer pressure that go along with them are going to be the death to the American teenager, figuratively and literally. Both the media and society put too much pressure on using drugs. I’m not just talking about marijuana and other illegal drugs, but also prescription and nonprescription, pharmaceutical drugs. There are more commercials and ads for antidepressants, weight-loss, and other store bought drugs than there are for any other product. And alcohol isn’t far behind that. We push the use of drugs and the consumption of alcohol on people more than we push the D.A.R.E. campaign. The pressure to drink or to use drugs is at an absurd rate in America. It’s not cool and it won’t make you any more popular. All it will do is make your grades drop, make your friends lose respect for you, and make you lose respect for yourself. If taken to the extreme, you could even lose your life. Keep a clear mind. Focus on how you want to see yourself and not how others see you. If your “friends” want you to try it, even just a little bit, odds are they’re probably not truly your friends. Friends don’t put other friends in danger, bottom line.

Why would you want to be anybody other than yourself? Where’s the thrill in imitation? Why would you choose to be a zombie or a sheep? You have a brain, so use it. Don’t worry what other people think about you, because in the end, their opinion doesn’t make you any more or less of a person. It won’t change you one bit. If people make fun of you for being who you are, shrug it off. Words are only words, and when they come out of someone else’s mouth, it makes them even less true. I’ve had my share of ridicule, but I’ve had even more praise for just being me. Most people are actually just afraid to be different, so it takes one different person to show them that expression is a great thing. Heck, sometimes they even comment on how they’re too afraid to pull something off, like say, zipper earrings or glow-in-the-dark, leopard print skinny jeans. They’ll mention something along the lines of how random or odd they are, but in a good way. Honestly, I don’t care if they’re telling the truth or not because I like them and they make me smile. I’m quirky and I wear weird things, so what? At least I’m being myself, and that makes me feel better than anything. Acceptance isn’t a need for me. Yes, in school it may seem like all the “popular” kids are in one click and the outcasts are in another, but that’s not real life. School is just school, and all of your peers know just as much about the world and how it works as you do, which is mostly just what you see on TV (which isn’t the best informational resource). Once you get out, your eyes are opened to this brand new environment called the real world, where who your friends are or what clothes you wear doesn’t make you who you are. Just being yourself is going to get you your dream job, not whether you wear Uggs or not.

So, have you thought about what makes you you and what separates you from the rest of society? Do you even express yourself at all, or are you like the rest of the world, engulfed in the swarm of bad trends and conformity? Do you play follow the leader, like in Nazi Germany? Do you buy a product just because it’s endorsed by that one celeb you oh so want to be like even though you’ve heard and seen the hazards it entails? Are you thriving to be in the popular crowd even though it means losing every sense of yourself? Well, I should hope not. You need to be the lone wolf in a nation of sheep. You need to see past the glimmer of dangerous trends. You need to want to be you no matter what people say. It takes one person to make a difference, even if that difference is limited to that one person. At least they’ll stand out and be recognized. They’ll forever be known as being the one among billions.

~ Misery Chick

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Zombies Will Tear Us Apart

So, today Nowhereville had its own little game of Humans vs Zombies. Held at the one place large enough to accommodate such a massive amount of zombies, it was meant to be a day of fun, adrenaline rushes, and good, wholesome zombie killing action. I had successfully persuaded the good ol' boy toy into coming along (although he's not much of one to do these sort of things). In retrospect, BAD IDEA.

So our story begins when I arrived home from a hard day's work. I was previously told that in order to do anything (although zombie killing was not mentioned of quite yet), I had to actually do a bit of homework and finish reading part 1 of Beloved (quick side note: amazing book, I suggest it for a good read). So, in a very Lauren-ish fashion, I scanned through what I already knew, and only read the seemingly important parts. I finished the task quite quickly (although slow enough that I was now already late) and went to inform the madre of where I was headed to. This is the first downer of the day. She, as she seems to always do, throws a fit about me driving all the way downtown, like it's some feat that I can't accomplish on my own. So I fight back, stating that it's not far at all, the big game is on tonight so there'll be no traffic to or from, and that I'm old enough to do things by myself without her needing to throw a hissy fit. She eventually gives in (now that I'm a nice 35 minutes late) and I set out on my way. Here's the kicker: I have never driven downtown and don't know where to park or anything. Which is where we come to fiasco numero dos.

I find my way downtown and exit off onto 3rd Street. The waterfront (where we're holding this mass attack) is behind me closer to 2nd and 1st Street, and I'm on a one way. Long, epic story short, I drive around literally in a circle for about an hour and a half, drive through a parking garage and ask where the nearest ATM is, drive around for another half hour trying to find a) said ATM, and b) a place to park long enough so that I can get money out to then pay for a parking spot, find a broken meter and book it to a totally different ATM, drive around for another 10 minutes trying to relocate the parking garage, pay, park, walk for 20 minutes in the wrong direction, turn around, walk another 20 minutes in the right direction, all the while trying to call my boyfriend who, although said he was going to be late but wasn't, is totally useless in helping through all of the previously mentioned fails. *takes breath* Now... now that I've finally found my boyfriend and his friend that I had no idea was coming along, we begin the fun part: Zambie Killing!!

Death to zombies and then death to humans goes on for a few hours, growing less and less organized and more and more like an actual zombie apocalypse, but I'm enjoying every minute of it. Cody, however, is growing a lot less interested. Now, this could be due to the fact that I came very unprepared: I had no Nerf weapon, no bandanna to identify me with, no socks, nothing; I had to resort to using his bandanna while he used his socks (which were previously zombie killing weapons) as a bandanna, and to stealing his Nerf sword for protection. I eventually found myself a Nerf gun, but I insisted on keeping the sword too.

So the night drifts onward, and a third game comes around, with a now smaller playing field (we couldn't use a certain area as a safe zone any longer). So humans became zombies much faster than before, which was fine because I was now part of the zombie hoard. Cody was too, although somewhere along the way he managed to lose his socks turned bandanna. Now, this didn't start off to be a problem, until someone noticed and asked him where his bandanna was. The Final Fail of the Night: Cody vs random guy vs Lauren. Ding ding! Go!

He and Cody got into it about the bandanna until it eventually ended with a big "Fuck you, man" coming from Cody. I, however, was in the background while this quarrel was taking place beckoning Cody to chill and just find another bandanna or something. It was just a game after all, nothing to get pissed off about. But no, he has to take it a step further after I pull him away from a fight about to happen.

"I would still have my bandanna if you hadn't taken it."

I'm sorry, you didn't want to play in the first place, so why all of a sudden now? So I tell him fine, he can have his bandanna, I'm through with tonight (for the record, he's always like this: pessimistic, ready to fight about anything, just a total downer. It really starts to piss me off, i.e. tonight). I tell him to hand over my keys, that I'm walking back to my car and leaving. Well, what does he do? Follows me, tries to ask me what's wrong (as if he couldn't tell), and then throws a sword at a wall after I ignore him, dodge past people to avoid him, and keep walking.

I don't know what it is, but I'm slowly falling out of love with him. Every little thing that he does pisses me off. I'd like to just throw the blame on something else (PMS, depression, my finicky personality) but no matter what, I know it's just something about him. The problem is, I don't know what specifically. Like, tonight I know it's because of his attitude and his pessimism that brought me down when I was having fun. He turned something that I had looked forward to for a couple of weeks now into a full blown disaster. But other times, I haven't the slightest idea what it is. Maybe we weren't meant to be like we've thought for so long. Hell, I even was tempted to throw my engagement ring out into the middle of the nastiest river this side of the Rio Grande (I was only halted by the selflessness I hold for him and what he spent on that damn thing). I know, at this moment, that I don't want to marry him, but I don't even know if I want to stay with him any longer or not. One side of me loves him while the other is painfully annoyed by everything he does or says. I know that I'm young and my emotions are fleeting, but this is absurd. I don't want to end everything on such a bitter note, but I don't want to just break up with him out of the blue. Sigh..

Something else, that honestly has little to do with breaking up with him, but I mentioned (well, actually went into gross detail about) a certain event that was thankfully (depends on how you look at it) avoided at a very special place of mine. I don't honestly know why I told him, but I could tell it scared him a bit. The thought of losing me is one that he never wants to think about, but he almost did tonight, in a different sense of the phrase. ... Well, what do you know? It did have a lot to do with breaking up with him. Huh, funny... morbidly.

So what do you think? Keep him or lose him? On one hand, he keeps me mentally stable, but on the other he's driving me insane. Maybe I should ask him? Maybe I should actually talk to him rather than freak him out with previous death threats or sit quietly waiting for something to happen? I don't know. All I know is that it's getting mighty late and that I've got work in the morning. I bid you all good night. I hope this has been a little insight on what's going on in my forever worrying mind. Adios, sheep.

~ Misery Chick

Monday, March 15, 2010

These Times, They Are A-Changin'

I come from a time where there was Doug, Tiny Toons, and Animaniacs. I remember a time where Steve was our humble host on Blue’s Clues. I remember it blowing my mind when I found out that Arthur was an anteater. I remember waking up and having my mom make me pancakes as I watched all of my childhood cartoons.

I remember blazing summer days where I’d go outside and play down at the creek. I remember having “adventures” like Tommy did in Rugrats. I remember playing with Shad, Maureen, Kristen and Brittany, Shane, Tim, and the rest. I remember playing with Pokémon cards and beating all the boys. I remember Pogs and the battles my sister, my cousin, and I would have. I still have every last one of them that I won.

I remember staying up late watching scary movies with my sister. I remember going to the pool all day, coming home, popping popcorn with lots of salt, and watching Cable Guy while I scraped the butter out of the popcorn bag. I remember that rants that my mom would give me about that, saying that it wasn’t healthy to eat the butter in the bag or to put extra salt in the popcorn or to eat the salt straight from the shaker. I remember eating a lot of things I shouldn’t have, like aphids, powdered sugar cookie dough, and my sister’s chocolate from her advent calendar that my mom would get us every Christmas.

I remember the anticipation for the holidays. I remember finding my Christmas presents every year since I was 4. I remember saving my favorite pair of footy pajamas for Christmas Eve so that I could have a cliché Christmas morning running into the living room full of surprise with little cow pj’s. I remember the Christmas when my sister got Cds and was trying to open them with her teeth. My mom came in and told her that they weren’t chocolate, and I thought that what she said was hilarious.

I remember when I actually liked spending time with my family. Now it seems like I hardly see them at all. I remember the fights me and my sister would get into, but now we’re like best friends. I remember growing up saying I was never going to leave home, but now I can’t wait to go to college…away. I remember being a happy child, so now I’m wondering what happened.